The Power and Blessing of Forgiving

After almost three years of waiting, it’s finally over.

For days we sat on hard wooden benches and watched as two attorneys laid out in excruciating detail the events of October 26, 2005, which led to my husbands death. Witnesses, doctors, family members, police officers, photographs and drawings were all used to try to bring clarity to the day that forever changed my children and me. Twelve jurors listened intently, occasionally stealing glances at the two families represented. We had been instructed to not show too much emotion during the different testimonies at the risk of influencing the jury and potentially causing a mistrial. And so we sat and listened…and watched and swallowed and blinked.

My sweet daughter Emmie and her husband of less than a year, Peter, were to my left. On my right, my precious son Nate. The rest of the row was filled with family and friends.

The young man charged with vehicular homicide sat next to his attorney, their backs to us. According to several witnesses, he drove in an aggressive reckless manner passing cars for more than a mile before heading into oncoming traffic, side swiping a car and then plowing into Kevin head on. No skid marks, no evidence that anyone had anytime to react. Kevin was already gone by the time these strangers describing the scene ran to his van. One look was all they needed to know he didn’t have a chance. I remember thinking that the man who testified he was driving behind Kevin’s white minivan was the last one to see him alive.

In a crazy display of irony, the defendant’s attorney resembled Kevin not only in appearance, but also in his mannerisms. I struggled to focus as this man’s profile evoked a stream of vivid memories. If not for his voice, it would appear that Kevin was defending his killer. Especially during the closing arguments, I had to look away every few minutes.

The defense’s argument was that Naziim (the driver) had an epileptic seizure. His cousin, now a doctor, lived with him in India and then in New York for almost 10 years. According to her, Naziim had had a “spell” first at 11 months and then at 13 years old. In 2000 he also suffered some kind of spell at a convenience store where he had to be restrained. An MRI and EEG taken in 2003 before his marriage came back “normal”. His behavior after the accident was typical of a seizure according to the defense. The D.A. however showed that a person suffering a concussion (his head smashed the windshield) would show the same behavior. An expert witness for the prosecution in the field of Epilepsy testified that a person experiencing an epileptic seizure would not have been able to perform the complicated driving maneuvers required to pass and dodge cars at the speed he was traveling. It was confusing and exhausting.

When Naziim took the stand we kept hoping to feel some emotion from him. It seemed obvious he was somewhat awkward socially and his testimony centered on his inability to remember anything leading up to the accident or after. He claimed to remember having a strange taste in his mouth which can be a precursor to a seizure. At no time during his testimony did he communicate how he felt about what had happened. He had some serious internal injuries and spent two months in the hospital. The rest of the time leading up to the trial he had been on house arrest with a monitoring device on his ankle. If convicted, he faced up to 15 years in jail and probable deportation back to India since he was not an American citizen.

On Thursday afternoon, just before lunch, the jury was released to deliberate. We all thought that sometime that evening we would have a verdict. It was during that time it dawned on me one possible outcome could be a hung jury which would mean a mistrial. All these years I had thought this week would decide once and for all what happened. I was thankful that Naziims fate was not in my hands. I felt I would accept whatever happened as God’s will but as I contemplated all the possible outcomes it was hard to see how any of them would bring anything but uncertainty. The thought of him serving years behind bars brought no comfort. The thought of him being declared “not guilty” left me unsure and the thought of a hung jury or mistrial could mean doing the whole thing again. A couple of times the jury asked for clarification on certain issues and asked for Naziim’s testimony to be transcribed for them to review. The judge released them that night so that the court reporter could transcribe the testimony and have it ready for them the next morning. We all returned for yet another day and waited and waited in the special room provided for victims. Friday evening, our attorney told us the jury was divided 7 to 5 and the judge was going to give them the “Allan charge”. Basically the charge states that they were the most qualified to decide on this case and encourages them to press on. They went back once again to try to come to a decision. As a family, we gathered together and cried out to God for His will. I remember saying, “God, you are the only one who knows the truth!” A few hours later we were told they were now 6 to 6 and unable to come to a unanimous decision. We all filed down to the court room to hear the words we were dreading.

A mistrial.

We sat quietly as the jury filed in. Three of the jurors were crying. All of them looked exhausted. Nate and I stared in disbelief as Emmie and other members of our family wept. Was it possible that the emotional rollercoaster of the last five days, even the last three years was for nothing. I had felt the undeniable presence of God all week. My eyes could not see any possibility of the closure we longed for but I have walked with God long enough to know that all that I can see is not all there is. I felt a deep sadness but a peace as well. We filed out of the court room and as Nate and Emmie and I looked at each other we were all aware that this may be the only time we would ever have to have a conversation with Naziim and his family. The deputies and staff tried to usher us back up to the victim’s room but we stood there hoping the family would come out of the court room and we could talk to them.

As their family began to file out, it became very uncomfortable for everyone and several armed deputies postured themselves around us while another began to direct Naziim’s family to go back into the court room. Nate began to voice for all of us our need for a conversation. He was very firm but controlled. I was so proud of him. He said we had waited three years for this moment and we needed it. The deputies who were obviously concerned that there might be a scene continued to urge us to go upstairs or we would be asked to leave. They said it was impossible to have a meeting like that and that we would have to arrange it with the attorneys at another time and somewhere else. I told them Emmie was leaving the next day for California and it needed to happen today. It was very tense and we finally consented to go upstairs. We sat in stunned silence. The moment had come and gone.

After a few moments, Nate looked out the window and saw our attorney running after Naziim and his wife. They turned around and walked back into the building. A deputy came upstairs and told us a meeting had been arranged. We knew God was causing the impossible to happen. Our attorney came in and said we could have 15 minutes and that only a few of us could go. Nate, Emmie, Peter, myself and my two sisters walked back downstairs escorted by our attorney and a deputy. I knew this would be a Holy moment. To my amazement, they led us into a small courtroom. Naziim and his wife stood facing us behind the railing to the right. The officer led us to the front bench on the left. Peter, Emmie and I sat while Nate remained standing. Three armed deputies stood facing us. The attorney that looked like Kevin stood with his client. Another deputy stood near them and still another was by the door. Everyone had a look of disbelief on their face. Naziim and his wife looked terrified. She looked at the deputy standing in front of me and asked if she could approach me. I nodded and she walked over and the two of us embraced and sobbed feeling each others pain.

Nate was the first to speak. He said we had not come for punishment but for this. We needed to know how this had impacted them. At first Naziim seemed defensive. He began to beg us to believe him that he had had a seizure and that he was not who we thought he was. I told him again that was not why we were here. We needed to know how he felt.

At that point he began to cry. We saw for the first time his brokenness. I extended my hand and he clasped it with both of his. He said he had wanted to contact us but was not allowed to because of the case. Emmie had brought some pictures of Kevin with us and I placed one in my lap facing Naziim. I told him I needed to say something. He was still holding my hand and I looked into his eyes and said I had been forgiven much and that because of Christ’s love for me I forgave him and extended forgiveness over his life. He doubled over, his forehead touching my hand and wept thanking me over and over again. Everyone in the room including the deputies and attorneys had tears in their eyes. Emmie was able to finally tell him all she had lost. She told him her husband had never met her Dad and that her children would never know their grandfather. Naziim wept and told her how sorry he was. I was witnessing the moment she had prayed for. She asked him to promise her he would be diligent in monitoring his Epilepsy. I have never felt so proud of my children and I knew that Kevin was filled with pride as well. As we stood to go, I watched in awe as Nate embraced Naziim. Naziim then turned to me and I embraced him. We walked out and once we were a short distance down the hall the four of us stopped and just wept. I knew we had just witnessed a miracle. Once we were back in the room we sat in silent awe. Our attorney just shook his head and said, “Well, I have never done that before!”

I am still trying to wrap my mind around all that happened. Later I realized that the 6 to 6 division of the jury was significant as well. To me it was symbolic of the fact that only God knew the whole truth. It is hard to explain but I feel complete resolve. I don’t know if the State will try to bring the case to trial again but I think in light of the events of the day they may drop the charges. Either way, I will not be there if there is another trial. I will continue to pray for Naziim and his family. I am hopeful that now that the storm has swept through and we are still standing that perhaps some rebuilding can begin.